Life is never what you think it should be. You grow up with a structure that helps set the stage for forming your life's expectations, but then life happens and you slowly realize that that structure was too narrow. I'm surprised looking back how many times I've said "oh I will never be/do that". But given the right circumstances those phrases get stamped on, burned up and thrown out the window. When life takes a drastic change of direction how do we cope. I'd like to spout off lots of uplifting ways that will insure us of coming out on top but as I'm trudging along in the trenches of my problems those seem out of reach most of the time. My focus is how does one come back from life changing experiences, especially when they are changes that cripple us and leave us dealing with anger, resentment, depression, anxiety, hopelessness. Is it ok to be in this stage for awhile? When our life's expectations are blown to bits how long should it take to put ourselves back together and form a new way of looking at our changed life? Should we expect others to wallow through with us until we hopefully come out on top? What if we don't come out on top, there are of course lasting effects that will forever change us. How do we deal with the changed person we've become and with those around us who don't accept or understand this change?
I don't really have any set answers to these for myself or for anyone else. I find that as soon as I think I have an answer, something changes and I have to rework it again. Recently I have gone through a very dark time in my life and have tried to find pathway out. I have stepped away from my church and since doing that I have recognized how nice it was in my prior belief to have something so constant and firm that could explain almost anything and provide a set path to overcome things. After stepping away I felt peace about my decision. Part of that peace was because it forced me to start building myself as my foundation and not look outside of me to have God or Christ fix or take away my problems. This statement makes me cringe because I know how important and essential God and Christ are for others in healing and helping them through their struggles. I don't mean to dismiss their beliefs and to me I think that we believe similarly in meaning but find our strength and help in different forms. For me this inward power and foundation was needed and a breath that helped me feel like there was light and strength in me again. I still struggle to build this foundation, especially when others don't believe in how I am going about doing it. How do I build a foundation intermixed with those around. I'd like to think "I am a rock, I am an island" but my rock is small and I'm not an island. Baby steps right?
My take away right now is that this life is made to make choices, it is how we learn. I can make a decision now and deal with the consequences, whether good or bad and then start learning about where I want to go from that decision. What might seem right at one point, might now need a different answer. That does not mean that the first one was a mistake and that if we had only not made the first decision we would have been better off. Who knows what would have happened if we chose the less painful route, it might have brought less pain but would it have brought as much growth? This is where forgiveness comes in. Do we have the strength to forgive ourselves for decisions we have made? Can we at the end of the day release the mistakes that we have made and know that we might make the same mistakes again tomorrow? If we can't release them because they affected others do we have the strength to face the drums and admit we were wrong and make amends, even if it means bad consequences. For me I believe that I have that power inside of me to go through the power of forgiveness and draw on myself for that change. (Silver Linings is a great movie for this, when we make bad decisions how do we find the silver linings to overcome huge obstacles and change.) Like I said before I look at my new "beliefs" and old "beliefs
How do we find hope in our "wrong" decisions. Being raised Christian I immediately think of Christ and that he will take these things through grace and make them right or easier to bear. But the new me questions this and wonders can I do this myself? I have looked outside myself all of my life to have some one take away my problems and pain. Dealing with anxiety and depression have been crippling to me. During an anxiety attack I would constantly ask God or Christ to help or to take away, it rarely happened. After so much despair and heart ache the thought kept pestering me, why are you looking outside of yourself. When I finally decided that I was the one that needed to take charge and heal myself things changed for me. I had already worked on finding different methods to help and heal from my problems but this time it was different, I did this with an inner power and strength. I went to therapy, I used essential oils, I read books, listened to podcasts, went on a whole lot of different medications and to different doctors. Each step of the way was painful because I found my weaknesses and it was hard to stare those in the face without giving them up to someone else. But each time I stared at those ugly parts about me I have learned something new about myself to help me understand who I am and how I can help myself. The path that lead me to a path of healing was one away from my previous beliefs, because of this decision there has come a new set problems and pain. I think this is the cycle of our lives, but I have finally built my foundation in me and so as this new set of problems threatens to collapse my world again I will look inside me to heal and overcome again and again.
When overwhelming emotions build up inside of me because of where I am in life, I try breath and tell myself that it is ok to feel what I am feeling. In the book "Imperfect Spirituality" by Polly Campbell, she taught me "A feeling is just a feeling nothing more". I try to let myself feel and think through that feeling, try to find the root of that feeling and then release it. To some they might release it to Christ or to the universe. For me I am still figuring that out, at the moment I just release it from my body. If I find that I can't release it, then I tell myself to let it be for another day to release. It might need more digging to find why I feel that way. Some feelings will not leave entirely, I might have to try and release them day after day but I have the hope that one day I will release them and they will be gone.
So what do I think of how my life is panning out? It depends on the day. Here's my positive outlook: I try to remind myself that life is truly good for me and at the same time validate that I do have problems that overwhelm me and are important and a big challenge to me. I cringe when I am told that my problems are small compared to others, even though I know that to be true. It is a good reminder, but one that hurts sometimes. Life is good and can be good even in the darkest places. It may take us awhile to feel like we are getting our head above water that is ok. There might be people in our lives that can't handle our darkness, but there are people out there that can. That group of people is worth clinging onto to remind us we can become stronger and better people. Coping with life changes does not have a time line and shouldn't, each day can be a fresh start to becoming a new person and there will by cycles of going forwards and backwards (they might be very long cycles). As I slowly realize the backward motions that I take or even being stagnant, I try to remember to breath and give myself a break and at some point I will be able to move forward again. Life changes that occur slowly or are sudden can be crippling and there might be a long battle ahead. I am trying to remind myself "Life's a marathon, not a sprint" and I need to allow myself to go through dark times without hope in order to learn how to fight and build myself into a better person.
